Hurt

So, back when mom died, I had exactly ONE local friend.  She was the only person I felt comfortable enough with/ around to talk to about everything that was going on.  I had stood by her all through her divorce earlier in the year, and didn't think we had any problems.  But within just a few weeks of mom passing, I stopped hearing back from her.  So I decided to call her.  The number was disconnected.  I thought maybe it was temporary, so I tried again a week or so later.  Nope, still disconnected.  Now it's been 4 months, and I haven't heard from her.  I was worried at first, of course, but since I had only been to her house twice, I couldn't really remember where she lived, so I couldn't go over to find out what was up.  Well, yesterday I found out she's been on FB for a while now, under her maiden name.  I feel...  I dunno, I feel almost like she used me, like I was good enough to be her friend for the year she was dealing with her husband giving her attitude about everything, through finding out he was cheating on her, then the entire divorce procedure, but then the minute I needed help and support, she was GONE.  It really hurts, especially since she was literally my only friend in this place.  And now I have no one.  It really sucks...

Cooking - An Experiment, of sorts

I decided to try my hand at bulk cooking the other day.  I've managed to make the Pioneer Woman's tomato soup, which is currently waiting to be packaged up into single serve containers so it can hit the freezer (I tried to make the Parmesan croutons she had with the recipe and while they were okay, I'm not sure I'll be making them again.  lol), I made a whole mess of meatballs, I cooked up about five pounds of ground beef and pork with onions, cooked about 3 pounds of chicken that I then cubed, and even managed to make something for dinner last night as well, another Pioneer Woman recipe, this time for hamburger soup, though I did have to make a few adjustments to it.  I didn't realize we were out of celery, or that we didn't have any green peppers, but I made it work just by leaving out the celery and using some leftover yellow peppers we had instead.  That soup was really GOOD, and great on a slightly chilly night like last night!  I ended up using a good deal of the cooked ground beef and pork mixture I made, but it was worth it to not have to wait for the meats to thaw before cooking.  Now I'm trying to decide what to make for dinner, or if I'll just feed the kids and my father leftovers again, but whatever it is, I'm happy to say it'll likely be made from scratch!  :)

Costuming difficulties...

I have a problem.  Besides being a terrible procrastinator, I also no longer have anyone close enough to me to help me with sewing problems now that mom has passed.  My younger son's costume will take next to no time once I get it started (see where I'm going with that?  ONCE it's started?  lol), but my daughter's costume is giving me FITS!  I'm nearly in a panic over it, to be quite honest.  And what's worse, I have just 5 days to get it done.  The problem, of course, is that I have an exact idea of what I want to do with it, and I have a pattern, but will have to modify the pattern considerably to make it work, and I'm just not entirely certain if modifying it the way I want to is going to work or not.  Honestly, I suppose the only way to find out is to just make the thing, but I'm a chicken and don't want to mess it up.  lol  But really, I should just DO IT, shouldn't I, and get it done.  So tomorrow that is what I'm going to do.  I'm going to clear the table, set UP my other crafting table that _FINALLY_ came home from my dad's house (we had used it for birthday parties, as well as for mom's funeral) tonight, so I can really get my craft area all set up and working for me.  But I'll still need the dining room table for cutting the fabric.  lol  If I remember to take pictures as I go, I'll try to remember to post them as well.  Wish me luck, all you nonexistent readers!  :D

Apples

Things have been rather crazy since mom passed, but they're finally starting to settle down.  My father is having some problems coping, likely because my mom did so much for him that without her here to do it for him, he has no idea what's going on.  So now I've stepped in and have been doing my best to help him.  Unfortunately, he tends to hide things, then forgets where he puts them, and accuses people of stealing them, which of course no one does, but he doesn't think that.  So it's been stressful on all of us kids, who are mainly the ones being accused of stealing he things he loses.

Well, a little over a week ago, dad left to go out of town for a while (every time I ask when he's coming back, the date changes, lol) and I'm staying at his house to keep him from worrying about it.  Anyway, I realized the other day that he has a LOT of apples here.  And by a lot, I mean like over 10 pounds of apples in various different forms.  So a couple nights ago, I decided to make apple pie.  I really wish I had taken pictures while I was working on it, but I do have a before and an after shot of it.  lol

Today I decided to use the 3 pounds of Gala apples I found in the fridge to make apple sauce.  I halved the recipe I found on the Pioneer Woman website, substituting a teaspoon of apple pie spice for the 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon and 1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg.  And letmetellyou, the smell in my house is _STILL_ amazing!!! And it tastes SOOO good!  I'm going to put it in a jar and just eat it with everything whenever I'm feeling like I want some.  lol

I still have a bunch of apples left, though.  Now just to find something to do with them.  Anyone have any thoughts?  😊

Its in the air!!!

This morning, as I walked out my front door to take my oldest to school and my 13yo to the doctor to have his arm checked, I was confronted with a chill in the air that almost made me turn around and change from shorts to jeans, despite the fact that I knew it would likely turn warmer in the afternoon, which it did. And of course, it had me wishing I didn't live surrounded by evergreen trees, so I could watch the leaves change colours through my living room windows.  But instead, we have live oaks and pines all around, but it still makes me positively giddy knowing that Autumn is finally here! :D

Tomorrow we'll be laying Mama to rest in a lovely green cemetery not too far from the property she and my dad have owned for about 10 years now, and where she has lived almost completely full-time for at least the last 2 years.  I still miss her every day, and have difficulty believing she's really gone, that she's not just a text or a phone call away.  The next few days/ weeks/ months are going to be very difficult for our family, as we all try to pull together to take care of Daddy in mom's absence.  I don't think even he realized how very much he depended on her being there to take care of him, he is totally lost without her.  It breaks my heart in a way I never in my wildest dreams thought it would.  I just keep thinking, if I'm this lost without her, he must be 100 times worse.  So we're all chipping in our time, and even nights with our families, to help make sure Daddy is still comfortable and taken care of.

There simply are no words...

This has been a long, time for me...  Last Wednesday my mom fell from her bed and my father and I had a very difficult time getting her off the floor.  We called an ambulance to take her to the ER, thinking it was a medication reaction, but it turned out to be something much simpler, yet at the same time much worse.  Mom spend the last week and more on several different wards at the hospital before quietly passing on yesterday.  I've been a complete wreck (I'm the youngest, and for the last year I've been the one taking care of her), and didn't think it would ever stop hurting.  It still hurts, it hurts so much I can hardly stand it, but this morning I woke up feeling a sense of calm for a few minutes.  It was a very strange feeling, but I think I kinda like it.  I know I'm going to miss her.  She and I texted almost constantly, and there have already been several instance today alone that I have wanted to text her something funny that I saw or that happened.  This is going to be very difficult, but this morning it feels like it may be ever so slightly more bearable.  I think it hit me so hard because I was so certain she was going to get better.  She would never be 100%, she had too many medical ailments for that, but at least back to where she was before all this.  I'm not looking forward to the next few days/ weeks/ months/ years, but I've been told it gets better/ easier, so I really hope that's true.  I guess I'm just still in shock...

Truth

I'm good at a lot of things, or so I've been told.  In fact, my mother recently told someone that I'm a wonderful mother and an amazing cook.  The problem?  I hate to clean.  Passionately.  In my nearly-40 years, this has never changed.  In fact, years ago I tried to convince myself that the opposite was true, but it never stuck.  As the youngest of 6 kids, I learned very early on that if I left my mess as it was for long enough, eventually someone else, (typically my mother) would clean it up for me.  Of course, this really doesn't WORK in the real world, there the only person to clean up after you is you.  This is a problem when you're like I am, but at this stage in the game, I don't know if it can be changed, or more to the point, if I even _WANT_ it to change.