Wow...

Has it really been over two years since I wrote anything?  Seriously?  Well, it's not as if anyone actually reads this, or even cares what happens with me.  When I write it's more for catharsis than for any sort of blogging fame, so it really doesn't matter to me whether anyone reads it or not.  But so very much has happened since my last post.  The kids hogs sold, then the next year they raised three more, which also sold, though not quite the way we had intended, and then this year we opted not to raise any pigs, as we didn't have a proper pen any longer, nor did we have the money for their feed and general well-being.  But that's so very little of what all has been going on...

In August of 2015, I made the decision that I couldn't live with my husband any longer.  You see, he's an alcoholic, and refuses to even try to get help to stop drinking, and his drinking...  Let's just say there were many, MANY occasions where we were all walking on eggshells because he was drunk and raging about.  There were also several incidences of him thinking it was 4 or 6 in the morning and hauling ass "to get to work" at 11:30 at night (the day before he was supposed to work) because he had passed out drunk in the shower and couldn't understand the concept of "it's still night, no one has gone to bed yet, you're really NOT late to work" and so he flew out of the house, still stone drunk, and would drive the 40+ miles to work, only to arrive and be told that it was still night time and he didn't have to be at work for another 8-10 hours.  Yeah, I didn't feel I could allow my kids to have to deal with that anymore.  They didn't deserve it, and I didn't feel that I deserved the poor treatment I would get from him, especially when he was completely soused.

So I packed up some of the younger kids belongings, my oldest refused to go with us because he felt he still needed to "take care" of his dad when he got bad, and we started staying at my dad's house.  This worked out well for dad as well as for us, as not he had someone to boss around, but also someone to cook and clean for him, though admittedly I didn't always keep the house quite as clean as he would have liked.  That is, until it became apparent that his "minor memory issues" were anything but minor.  He started demanding I do things that I had no idea how to do (filing legal papers, writing quotes for jobs he was trying to bid on, things like that), and threatening to throw us out whenever I didn't comply with his every unreasonable demand.  But he would still leave and spend a week or more in South Florida, where his first home is, and so the kids and I had some time to unwind and not feel so rushed and threatened all the time.  But his memory got still worse, until a few months back his doctor diagnosed him with dementia.  My siblings and I have been trying to deal with his diagnosis, and his refusal to take medication to help it, ever since.  Now it looks as though we may have to put him in an assisted living facility, but I think we all knew that would be coming eventually.

So I tried to work things out with my husband on more than one occasion, but my condition was that he had to stop drinking completely, not just in the house, not just whenever we were home, there could be ZERO drinking, not in the car on the way home (yep, he drinks and drives, isn't THAT fun?), NONE, and though he would try, it would only last for a week, two weeks, MAYBE a month, but never for long enough to really make a difference.  Then recently, when I thought he was really giving it up again, I discovered that he has a girlfriend.  It fair broke my heart, because I was really hoping we could have one more chance, and maybe this time he really would stop, he would get the help he needed and we could be a family again.  I'm still not quite sure how I feel about this development, especially due to the fact that he's going to be 50 this year, and this woman is 28.  But I think this was the final straw that made me realise this marriage simply wasn't meant to be.  Which saddens me, because I do truly care for him, but maybe that's not enough to make holding on to a marriage worth doing.  But I don't hate him, and I probably never will, because he fathered two of my beautiful children, and I will forever be thankful for them.
For now though, we're still living at dad's house, but for the most part, barring a 2-3 day "visit" about every 1-3 months, it's just me and the kids.  Oh, yeah, about the kids...  It seems my family was destined to expand in a way I hadn't imagined happening at my age.  It turned out that my oldest, who moved back to be with us in August of last year, wasn't quite as careful as he could have been, and he got his girlfriend pregnant.  So she moved in with us around September, which meant he and his girlfriend were sleeping on an air mattress in the living room for a few months before I took pity on them and moved them into a bedroom.  It took some creative rearranging for the lot of us, as this isn't a very large house, but it has worked out fairly well.  And then, in early February, we were graced with the wonder of my very first ever grandbaby, a beautiful little baby girl.  And he and Mama kept with tradition and gave the baby a floral name, just like my sweet Miss V, who isn't so Wee anymore.  In fact, next August she will be in high school, I almost can't believe it!

I'm also currently going back to school, though I may need to take a break next semester to settle in to a few things, and I've gotten my first real job in about 13 years.  I'm not terribly good at it yet, but I'm getting there, so that's good.  It's just a part-time grocery store cashier position, but it's enough that I can pay a couple of bills and still have money left over for things like gas in my car and the occasional treat for the kids.  I'm being cautiously optimistic about it, because even though I am still applying for full-time jobs, this is a start.  And it will do for now, even if not forever.  And it definitely will not work forever, as I know I'll have to get a place of my own eventually, and that will require a full-time paycheck, for certain.

So, that's about it up here in rural north Florida.  Though there are many things I think I would like to change, since none of that is possible, I'll just have to make the best of what I have going on.  And that's okay for now.  :)